::return from disney
4:17 a.m. - 2005-02-17
i'm back from disney. you can see some of the pictures here if you want to; i don't think i uploaded all of them, but it's a start.
i am tired. while most would accredit that to being awake at 4:30 am, that's not it. i'm just worn out.
chekhov said it best: "any idiot can face a crisis. it's day-to-day living that wears you out."
not that i particularly welcome a crisis right now. i am having some old issues revive themselves, concerning my weight and eating habits, but i don't want to give them any validity by talking about them. at least they are not the issues that make me gain weight for once.
my trip was actually really great; i should make that clear before i go into more intense stuff. i got down there on thursday night and stayed until sunday night; mom, larry and chan were there longer, but i had a great time with them. we stayed at the boardwalk, as usual. something unusual we did, however, was go to the kennedy space center. i had never been there before, so it was pretty nifty.
anyway, my mom and i took one afternoon to go to mgm studios by ourselves and hang out. it was very nice. i also took a morning with chandler and we went to the magic kingdom together. he is really growing up--getting into cars and sports and other little boy things. i was glad we had the time together. he told my mom on thursday night when she was going to bed and he was still waiting on me that she was his morning mom and soon his nighttime mom was going to get there. if you didn't pick up on that, he meant me :) i love that kid, i really do, and it makes me really glad to know he knows i care about him. he might be the only person i've ever truly, purely loved. knowing that didn't make it easier when i left on sunday and he started crying, but we'll be okay. he is the only one who has kept me going some days, as i can be willing to hurt myself but not him. never him.
moving on, my mom and i had a great time as well--although i think she might still be a little mad at me for convincing her to ride the rock 'n rollercoaster with me. yeah, she did not take to that too well, hehe, but i LOVED it. i only rode it once, but i managed to squeeze space mountain in three times.
the best part was talking to her and just finding out stuff about our past that i didn't know. those are the only times we ever discuss my real dad--when we're alone--so it can turn interesting. i know it's going to sound all dramatic and people will think i'm lying for attention or whatever, but i really don't remember much from my life before age 8. i literally shut down that year and, i don't know, it's weird. i have about 10 solid memories.
anyway, she told me some stuff about david which upset me but helped me understand him as well. evidently, when he was 15/16, his parents moved to germany with two of his siblings and left him to live alone with his older brother, who was also in high school. he became very independent, but was also somewhat of a heartbreaker. two girls tried to kill themselves when he broke up with them and one girl actually did it. my mom said she thought he got off on it after a while--my phrase, not hers.
i wonder how he felt when i tried. motherfucker. he said he'd start calling every week after that. he didn't call again for months. issues, indeed. i know i repeat myself with this crap, but it applies so fuck off.
anyway, she also told me that his dad would take him out every saturday and brag about the affairs he was having. out of all five kids, david was the one he chose to tell. that started when he was like 12, so yeah, that definitely didn't fuck him up. he would also take him with him when he was meeting said women.
and i hear this and i understand it and i know that's fucked up. and i'm GLAD to know it, because it helps me understand him.
but all i can see while i'm hearing this is the inside of that woman's apartment, the dimness, the kittens she had for me to play with. and i hate him all over again. forgive, my ass. every person has a quota and he's overextended his. i just don't know what to do sometimes with it all, so i do nothing. fortunately, it's become an effective method.
it just doesn't make it any easier when i do think about it.
anyway, if that wasn't bad enough, my grandfather also molested my aunt, my two-half sisters and me. the former three were the worst, as they were accessible enough to do it over and over. he only did it to me once, when i was four and we were living in miami. my mom never let him come visit after that.
four years old. i can't remember, but fuck, i can't say that i want to try either. i still don't know what to do with that information, as i did not find out about it until christmas of 2003.
by the way, if you are thinking my father would break the cycle, he didn't. he molested one of my half-sisters, had several affairs and has gotten fired from several jobs after being accused of sexual assault. welcome to MY life, you simpering simple plan fuckers.
sorry, i didn't know all this anger was going to come out.
anyway, after all that crap, i asked my mom for a good story so i wouldn't start bawling in the middle of mgm studios.
well, my dad was in the coast guard--which is why i was born in london, as we were stationed on a base there. anyway, when we were later stationed in miami, he was part of the crew for the uss dauntless ship. a big part of his being on that ship involved rescuing haitians who were attempting to swim to the usa and putting themselves in life-risking situations. they would pick them up and keep them on the ship, then return them to the island.
evidently this is exactly what they were doing when the challenger exploded. still, they were the first ship called in, though they had to stop on the way to the site to transfer the haitians to another ship. then they continued on and began collecting every visible piece of the challenger from the ocean. my mom said they had to pick up even the tiniest of tiles, some as small as a bottlecap. among some of the stuff they collected was christa macauliffe's teaching materials, which she was supposed to use for her lesson that she was going to teach from space. they also found half of ronald mcnair's spare helmet.
i don't know why i'm sharing this. any of it really. oh well. i'm just a little overwhelmed and i thought i could relieve some of that by writing about it.
i'll let you know if it worked.
