::fuck a title, i'm pissed.
11:52 a.m. - 2005-02-18
i'm glad i'm in a resilient mood because i've severed so many ties recently that otherwise, i'd be collapsing in the middle of my floor in tears.
oh wait, that was last year.
i'm tired of it. i'm so tired of people's bullshit. chase was the last victim, as i just called him and told him i enjoyed his friendship but it was over. the bastard told his mom that, when he came to visit me last semester, that i was at the LOWEST POINT HE'D EVER SEEN ME.
that's interesting, you son-of-a-bitch, and it's SO LITERAL!! because his mom is the BIGGEST bitch i've ever met. it's interesting because i wasn't the one who met one of my guy friends and slept with both him AND HIS BOYFRIEND that same night. within HOURS of meeting the motherfuckers!
and i know him, i know how he pulls this shit all the time, but i've never passed judgment because it's not my responsibility to do so.
and how do i know he told his mother? because that sadistic, pompous bitch went and told MY MOTHER at a lunch they had. thank god my mom knows i'm doing GREAT.
anyway, i just can't believe it. i just can't fucking believe it. yes, i was doing a LOT of drugs last semester, but even then, i knew it was temporary. i knew it.
well, guess what, it's stopped. i haven't snorted anything in over a month. i haven't taken more than one pill of ANY kind in over a month. and i have no desire to. i haven't been using like i was since november, when yes, i will admit it got out of hand.
i remember one day when i took 90 mg of adderall, snorted 6 ritalin, and smoked like a gram of pot in 24 hours.
out of control? yes. but that's not the point--he stayed with me one night ONE TIME (maybe twice?) and it wasn't that bad when he visited anyway--not NEARLY that bad. and he really never even knew how bad it was when he WAS visiting, much less had basis to make that kind of statement, when he knew i was doing a million times better than ever, as i TOLD him that.
and you know what, even though it did get to that point of that many drugs for a very short period of time--who reined my ass back in? ME, motherfuckers, ME.
I TAKE CARE OF MY GODDAMN SELF.
i'm tired of all this judgment. i literally CANNOT handle it. that's what the weight has always been a buffer from--the second i am EVEN SLIGHTLY attractive, the catty, bitchy comments begin.
judgment.
i'm tired of it. i have dealt with more vicious comments said CLEARLY, BLATANTLY ABOUT ME from TOTAL STRANGERS within the past month than i have ever encountered in my entire life.
i really thought it couldn't get worse than when i was sixteen and random ass guys would walk up to me and hand me their business cards.
did i say guys? i meant MEN.
and now, i'm 21. and yes, i am thin again. i have been hiding that fact because i hear enough shit about it in my daily life without dealing with it here too.
guess what, people are NOT happy for me. they're pissed. some of my female friends have turned outright bitchy before outright turning their backs on me. others treat me warily. it's like, now i'm thin AND LEGAL so holy shit, watch out. she must be able to handle anything mean you want to throw in her direction because she's not FAT anymore.
EVERY SINGLE GUY FRIEND I HAVE HAS TRIED TO SLEEP WITH ME NOW.
yeah i added some more pictures to that album--which is working now. you can see that i'm normal now; you can't see how normal because i wear baggy clothes. it's the only way.
i'm going to calm down now before i give myself an aneurysm.
i guess the tears are going to be a part of it after all.
addendum: just because i know the few people who still read my diary and like you guys a lot, i want to make sure that you don't think i'm calling you motherfuckers or anything, when i get all pissed off and go off like this. all anger is strictly directed at the people who have been treating me like shit and i just get it out here. just wanted to make sure no one took it that way.
