::trust issues
2:14 p.m. - 2005-02-23
people have a tendency to tell me that i have very high standards for myself. this has never been a problem, as i agree. stupid mistakes are not acceptable. after all, goethe says, "a clever [person] commits no minor blunders." edited for political correctness, of course.
anyway, i've never considered this a "fault" exactly, as it does keep me from making some tiny fraction of mistakes.
but now i'm seeing its downfall--not in myself per se, but in my relationships as i realize i'm forcing my own standards on other people. and they're not meeting them. not even coming close. i've lost quite a few friendships this year and i can't help wondering if it's me.
yet on the same wavelength, i must acknowledge that i have changed a TON the past few years and these are friendships that i have had since i was 14 and 15, friendships that had been wearing thin lately anyway. so while i want to consider the possibility that i am falsely justifying their loss, i really don't think i am. in logic, i am forced to examine all aspects. but out of the same logic, i know these people are not making me happy anymore; they are not acting as a friend in any way, much less the kind of friend they should be after all these years.
it's like, i'm pretty closed-off. i can admit that. i mean, i'm having a pretty shitty time of it lately and i don't really feel like i can talk to anyone. but when noelle--my one constant--signed online and she asked how i was, i told her. i told her what was wrong and how i felt about it and what i was thinking and what i planned to do.
and then, less than ten minutes after i started, i told her i was done and i didn't want to talk about it anymore.
oh fuck. i just started to type "and then i felt better." but i just realized that i don't. not at all.
because the second she started trying to make me feel better, i didn't want to talk about it. i felt that familiar click that it didn't matter because she's not going to make it better for me.
she's my best friend. i've known her since i was sixteen and been best friends since. i'll be twenty-two this year, for crying out loud. and i don't even want to talk about my problems with her. what the fuck is wrong with me?
and now i feel another click, as i realize that i don't think i trust anyone at all. because if anybody i know were to dare try to answer that question, i'd fucking shut down. it's like i don't give anyone any credibility anymore. i mean, occasionally it can be built up, but it evaporates so quickly, i have to wonder what the point is.
maybe the truth is that i don't have any real friends at all, because i don't really trust anyone at all. maybe that's why i cut people out so easily--i never really put any value in them in the first place.
